elb's hovel of thoughts

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Intimacy.. yes? no?

How many of us can recall the first time we held hands with someone who means the world to you? Putting your fingers on theirs slowly at first, then slowly clasping their hand and enjoying the moment. Okay, it isn't exactly intimacy, but it is a different feeling from holding hands with normal friends during, say, prayer. Or perhaps the first hug, when you can literally feel the other's body pressing against yours. Or the first time you put your arm around her hips? Or maybe the first time those lips touched those of the other, sending electric waves coursing through the body?

How appropriate is it?

Society dictates that we should enjoy it all and throw away all abandonment. In fact, we are encouraged to feed our lust and to engage in (premarital) sex. Just do it, or so they say, just as the tagline of a certain sports manufacturer goes.

Sure, intimacy is pleasurable, I give it that. It awakens new feelings (that are difficult to go away) for the other; it is meant to be felt by the two people who are in a relationship. Its no excuse however, to push the limits, something that I'm guilty of at times . Its no excuse to want to be selfish and demand more for the satisfaction of the self while not taking into account the other. A classic would be the line 'If you love me, you'll have sex with me'. A line that can be translated into: 'I only care about what I feel, I don't care about however you feel, I want you to satisfy me now no matter what the consquences.'

Therefore, how much intimacy is appropriate in a relationship? A good guideline would be 'the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment'. What does that mean? It simply means that the amount of intimacy between couples should be according to the commitment between each other. Or in scientific terms, a correlation can be established between intimacy and commitment.

This means that if two people in a relationship know that they cannot commit (i.e. 'for fun'), they shouldn't be intimate at all. And of course, the ultimate form of intimacy should be saved for the ultimate commitment: sex after marriage. It is difficult to gauge anything else between the two extremities because commitment is subjective and the conditions that nurture it are unique for each relationship; the two involved though should be able to tell how committed they are and what level of intimacy is appropriate.

Well heck, at least that's what the idea suggests. I think its a guideline worth serious considering. Those of you who haven't had intimacy before, my advise to you is to not be desperate for the sake of it. It will be well worth the wait :)


  • This entry makes perfect sense and for once doesn't include religion. Perhaps it can appeal to those of you who see logic rather than believe in the supernatural?
    I enjoyed this read :)

    By Blogger Sue Ong, at Sunday, September 12, 2004 12:10:00 pm  

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