Pushing me further away.

I was browsing around Screenshots a day or so ago.

I thought I was reading a satire for a second, until I took a closer look at the transcript. I was flabbergasted for a minute; this behaviour was beyond belief. A Dato' Seri should know his bloody manners. Well, at very least, a Dato' Seri who achieved that title through sheer hard work and perseverence should know better *cough*. I can't think of many other moments when I felt ashamed to be Malaysian.

Incidents like these and even more push me further away from my desire to come home. Part of me wants to go back, to help to build the economy and industry in a transparent manner. To return to somewhere familiar, where I spent most of my years growing up, stupidly believing that Malaysia was really 'fair'. To sit down at the mamak stall with friends, having a cup of teh tarik and catch up with things.

The other part of me wants out, to be handed a fair deck of cards. Where everybody has their chance, and not bloody claim it as their 'right'. For the unlucky in life, I can understand the little push of help. But the comfortable? The rich? My parents, my friends, so many people tell me to take the opportunity that I have to secure a job abroad and to make my own bed here. Even my ex-girlfriends' parents were telling their daughters: 'Wahhh very nice... one day you will get the chance to live overseas!' (although that is probably unrelated to my reason for opting out).

To be able to support my children in the same manner that my parents have given me this priviledge. I don't think I'll be able to afford such an education for my offspring. To earn that kind of money in Malaysia is not easy; most of it requires boot polishing. Whereas I'm too direct and a bit too tactless for my own good.

That other Muslims from other countries get to pay bumiputera fees for courses (okay, someone please correct me if I'm wrong), whereas the other races have to pay through the nose. We're not even treated anything like citizens in our own country. My friend's boyfriend, a Hong Kong national, balks at this thought. Never mind that he'll be an expatriate should he work in Malaysia, he'd be treated the same like the rest of the Malaysian Chinese. I may be a 'second class' citizen here, but like I've mentioned before: I get a better playing field.

(Actually, do you know what? The UK has a 'positive discrimination' policy: If you're in the minority, you'd get a better shot at certain jobs. Fat hopes that that would ever happen if you're an Indian in Malaysia.)

My father told me this three years ago, days before I left to start my degree:
'If you ever feel like it, and get the opportunity, get a job overseas. We could always visit each other. '

I have a feeling that he was telling me indirectly that he wants me to get away from all of this.

Most of my friends have scattered across the globe anyway, with the exception of a couple of dear friends whom I still hang out very frequently with. You know who you are.

I have made some wonderful friends with the locals over here. I love it when I bump into random people and we have a brief chat: for example the lady whose shopping I helped carry, the guy on his evening cycle and chatted with me for a few moments while I was snapping pictures with my camera, and the old couple at the traffic light whom I had to wave at to inform them that their lights were not switched on. Could I ever have the same thing back home, where half the people are paranoid and afraid of everyone else?

I attend a church which I love; full of wonderful people and fantastic kids. Although I still probably have quite a bit of culture catch up to do. Eventhough I'm likely to shift for my next degree, and again if I eventually get a job, I'm sure I'd be able to fit in reasonably well.

To get a job for a few years and to return back home one day? At the rate things are going, I might only ever return as a tourist. Unless I fail to secure a job here lah, which is a good possibility because work permits are frustratingly hard to get. But with some luck, I might be able to get myself one. And they wonder why the educated people end up migrating?

I don't know. A tear rolled down my cheek; for myself, the others caught in the same position as me, and Malaysia.