Have you had anosac?

The nurse on the other line: *Welsh accent* Have you had anosac?
Me: Pardon?
Nurse: Anosax
Me: I don't quite get you, sorry
Nurse: Have. you. had. anal. sex. ?
Me: Uhhh... no no no! *arrghhh wtf!* *bang head bang head*

That was the first question posed to me when I was forced to call the 24 hour NHS helpline at 4am a few days ago, because I was feeling very sick - plus when ever I took a dump, even the toilet water turned a clear shade of red. (I swear that a woman having her menses doesn't stain the water that badly. But not like I've seen that before, so)
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Juee: Pat, I think you have bisul (warts)
Me: What? *panicking* How on earth? *research research*
Juee: Or it could be a tumour gone bad. You need to see a doctor urgent!
Me: *Even more panicky*

Silencers: Could be nenah?
Me: Eh? That's pus isn't it? Mine's bright red, not some disgusting yellow.
Silencers: That's true.
--------------------------

Eventually after asking me a few questions, the nurse just advised me to drink plenty of water - something I had seemed to neglect because I've been busy with my assignment. Not to mention the constipation pill which I had taken a few days before, to ensure an incident free 'business trip' to London and Manchester. So I chugged down over a litre of filtered water within minutes (which helped me get up out of bed much quicker than usual when I woke up), and even more and more later.

I am pleased to announce that I am visiting the toilet more often, and that the cubicle water turns brown, as it ought to be.